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Alright dear readers, today is a big day. A huge day. A day that will go down in history.
Today, we list the first ever car for sale on MaxFindsCars.
Now, as a noted niche enthusiast car newsletter and service, I (obviously) had many rare, unique, special cars to choose from. Sheikh’s, magnates, collectors, and dealerships alike have been nipping at my heels, offering me cars to list for months now.
I deliberated on these special cars extensively…
but instead I have chosen a car that is truly 1 of 1.
My brother’s 20-SOMETHING NISSAN ALTIMA:
look at that beauty
I know what you’re thinking:
“that looks like a normal, run of the mill Nissan Altima”, “how could that possibly be 1 of 1?”
It’s a fair question. I would have thought the same, but trust me dear reader. Let’s go on a trip.
Why Should YOU Buy My Brother’s Nissan Altima?
YOU can embody Big Altima Energy 💪
YOU get a Profile & Interview from the car’s mysterious owner 🤓
It is ONE OF ONE. 🐐
💪 YOU Can Embody Big Altima Energy
America is built on freedom. And, I think we can all agree that sometimes, historically, American freedom has come at the cost of others.
In this way, the Nissan Altima is the most American car ever. It embodies a kind of modern Manifest Destiny - an entitlement to American roadways, and going from point A to B with reckless abandon.
THIS is Big Altima Energy.
Specifically, & in the words of reddit user ‘AltruisticProposal31’:
“[Big Altima Energy] is a complete lack of responsibility.
A BMW driver will cut you off without signaling, but he’ll at least look to see if there’s space to do so. Similarly a lifted RAM may ride your bumper in the right lane, but at least he can see the car braking ahead of you. They still care about what happens to their vehicles. After all, they think they’re better than you.
An Altima driver doesn’t care that their front bumper is missing. That RAM that was tailgating them? Well, the Altima brake checked them and sped off to “teach them a lesson.” They’ll gladly weave in an out of traffic whilst scrolling on their phone, sometimes with an unplanned kid in the back. If you are in the way they won’t mind collecting another dent. All that matters to them is getting to their destination ASAP, and as long as the car is still running, they’ll do it again.
Notably, it doesn’t matter who you are - the Big Altima Energy begins to seep into your soul over time as you own and drive one of these cars.
My brother, for example, didn’t always have Big Altima Energy. But after a few years of ownership very casually hit me with this while I was riding shotgun in his Altima:
“Pro tip if it’s a four way stop you don’t have to stop because everyone else will be. Life hack for ya.”
We were approaching a 4-way stop when he said this.
Altima’s are chaos on the roads.
When you aren’t in one, you simply have to accept that at any moment an Altima (traveling at 108mph with 3 doors, plastic and painters tape for a rear windshield, dents that have clearly caused structural damage to the car, and a driver that simultaneously has one foot sticking out the window & is playing candy crush / sweating out an 18 leg college football parlay) will pit maneuver you into the nearest guardrail while on their 7 minute drive to grab some 7/11 sushi and 25mg Zyn’s.
only the blurriest memes
But… at the same time…
Imagine how freeing it must be to be behind the wheel of one?
You have more power than an Ambulance with its sirens on. People don’t get out of their way of an to be considerate, they get out of the way to save their own lives.
If you have Big Altima Energy, you own the roads. They are yours.
Just… ya know, try not to let it go too much to your head.
Otherwise you might end up like this Orange County Altima driver:
I think this dentist office is going to need a filling.
🤓 YOU get an Interview from the car’s mysterious owner
Okay, so you’re sold on the freedom aspect, but now you want to get down to brass tax and talk details. I understand. You want to know maintenance, horsepower, mileage, basic stuff like that, right?
I get it. Lucky for you, I spent some time interviewing my brother on his ownership experience & asking questions about the car. Here’s how that went:
Max: “When was the last maintenance done?”
Brother: “Definitely at some point.”
Max: “Do you happen to know the car’s safety rating?”
Brother: No reply.
Max: “Okay… well what about comfortability?”
Brother: “The lower back pain starts after 30 minutes of driving usually.”
Max: “Well, that’s not great. Do girls seem to like the car at least?”
Brother: “They’re completely indifferent to it. I’ve never gotten a good or bad comment.”
Max: “Could that have been because they were scared speechless of your driving?”
Brother: “The top speed was a healthy 105 but I’m confident I could have squeezed a few more mph out of it.”
Max: “I didn’t ask about the top speed but okay, let’s move on. How about the storage capacity?”
Brother: “The trunk has held 160 commercial canon ink cartridges, three desktops, and three monitors with some room to spare.”
Max: “Where did you get those?”
Brother: No reply.
Max: “Fine, last question: are there any known issues with the car?”
Brother: “The brakes feel like gravel, sometimes feels like sludge when accelerating but not always.”
That was the end of the interview, but I am pretty sure he left a few things out of that last question based on a message he sent me recently:
& as you can see, this image was taken while he was driving.
🐐 It is ONE OF ONE.
So, you’re sold on the Altima vibe and know the nitty gritty details of this particular Altima (straight from the horse’s mouth so to speak).
But now, I bet you want to know why I said its 1 of 1.
That’s simple:
About a year ago my brother was leaving the airport in his Altima.
He was rear-ended.
Do you know what that means?
This is the only Nissan Altima with an accident on record where the Altima driver was not at fault. Nissan will surely put it in a museum someday. Believe it.
Oh, and I forgot to ask him the price but if you’re interested just send me an email.
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That's a wrap for today. And if you want more MaxFindsCars, be sure to follow Max’s Twitter (@maxjzin)