🏎️ Max Finds The Most Badass Sleeper Muscle Car

gm folks. Monday we were worried banks were collapsing and thought about doing something crazy like buying a small, economical car.

Well… I have fortunately come back to my senses.

I have seen the light.

Life is too short to drive slow (or quiet) cars.

And automotive catchphrases aside, $DOGE is up 12% since Friday so we’re back in the green baby 🚀 

Today’s BEAST of a vehicle is EXACTLY what we gotta buy to show that we don’t give two shits about things like 'gAs mILeaGe’ or ‘rEsPecTinG yOuR nEiGhbOrs’.

Here it is: A 2008 Mercedes-Benz CLK63 AMG Black-Series

• 🌏️ Driven around the world: 0.4x

  • This sucker has barely crossed the US in mileage, SHEEEEESH

• 🧓 Generation: Zoomer

• 🏇 Can beat 500 horses in a fight

• 💰️ Predicted Price: $101,420

• 📆 Auction Ends: Friday, March 17th, 2023

And before we go any further, the current high bid at time of writing is $69,420… the universe is a beautiful thing.

ANYWAYS, here’s the car

I’m gonna cut right to the synopsis here people…

WHAT MAKES THE CLK63 AMG BLACK SERIES SO DAMN COOL?

• Its a WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING

• SUPER SECRET FUN FACT #1

• SUPER SECRET FUN FACT #2

Bullet points two and three are a masterclass in keeping you cash cows… I mean dearest dearest valued readers… reading this clearly highly monetized and ad heavy content.

It’s A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

YEAH YEAH, it looks mostly just like any other Mercedes.

But if you really look at this thing, you can just TELL its hiding something.

Folks what it is hiding is a 6.2 liter V-GODDAMN-8, and one of the most aggressive, visceral, angry, rowdy stock exhaust sounds you will ever hear.

Trust, and listen to its glory: https://youtu.be/8WKcB2cwqG8?t=50

Or this one that was straight-piped by Renntech, good god: https://youtu.be/IUQFmWq8CJM?t=537

For context, the brand new Ford F-150 Raptor R ~only~ has an engine displacement of 5.2 liters, and that’s for a whole ass truck.

Okay, granted, more displacement doesn’t necessarily mean better. The Raptor R puts out 700 horsepower vs the CLK63 AMG Black Series’ 500. But it goes to show just how massive the beating heart of the CLK is.

And uhh… that had a bit of an effect on things like… ya know… fuel economy.

It may or may not have gotten 12mpg city / 18mpg city. So, yeah, it chugs gasoline like that one guy we all know from college who always seemed to have a beer funnel in his hand chugged beers.

BUT (and god only knows why tf I am comparing an 2008 German Coupe to a 2023 performance pickup truck) the Raptor R get 10 (TEN) mpg city, and 15 (FIFTEEN) highway. CLK basically a rolling solar panel, confirmed.

In any case, we both know you’re already convinced on this car. All you really needed was that video with all those incredible exhaust sounds. WE are on the same page.

As your friend though, let me hit you with those super secret fun facts so you can act a little more knowledgeable/sophisticated than you really are… a ruse that will be corrupted as soon as you hit the highway on-ramp and let this monster rip.

SUPER SECRET FACT #1

The CLK63 AMG Black Series is 4 (FOUR) Whole Pounds Lighter than its Base Counterpart

Does that sound like the most bullshit fact ever?

Does it seem not very secret?

“Max you just googled the weight of the car and compared it to the weight of another car” you say, an annoyed look on your face.

Sure, yeah, you’re right.

But stick with me for a second.

This one has two less seats!! And only saved 4 pounds!!!

Okay the more I right about this fun fact the less fun it seems.

The idea of a German engineer going through all the effort of removing the rear seats and replacing other components (like the rear spoiler) with lightweight materials like carbon fiber (pls watch the video at that hyper link, it’s gold) ONLY TO SAVE FOUR POUNDS is insane to me, but decisively in line with the attention to detail you expect from shops like AMG.

My dumb American brain just thinks “All that work for the performance gain of skipping the extra guac option at chipotle a couple times.”

SUPER SECRET FACT #2

THE CLK WAS AN F1 SAFETY CAR

The four pounder fact wasn’t great,

but THIS ONE puts the CLK in rare rare company.

Only something like 23 cars have ever been used as a safety car in Formula 1 (the pinnacle of motorsport).

Which means, this is one of 23 road-legal cars to ever be on an F1 track with F1 cars during a race. Truly rare air!

This was also during the V10 era of Formula 1, widely regarded as the best because of the sound. MY working theory is that AMG made the exhaust on the CLK so insane simply so that it could be heard on track amongst all the other screaming V10s.

Another claim to fame on this front: the year after the CLK was retired as the safety car the Mercedes powered McLaren F1 team won the driver’s championship with Lewis Hamilton.

Meaning basically this is an F1 championship winning car.

That’s what I would say if I owned one anyways.

In conclusion, nobody buy this one because I want it.

OH P.S.

In hilarious contrast to Monday’s Isetta being the people smuggling GOAT, I have discovered that the trunk capacity of the CLK is only 110 pounds, making this car that is 4x the size of the Isetta physically incapable of smuggling the average American.

Check this out:

Like, is it just me, or is that preposterously low?

Please everyone check their cars respective trunk capacities so we can get very scientific about this.

That's a wrap for today. New Editions come out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday! While you wait, go out and drive! And if you want more, be sure to follow Max’s Twitter (@maxjzin)

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I WANT REVIEWS WITH EITHER ‘AIRLINE THAT DELAYED YOUR FLIGHT’ OR ‘COFFEE SHOP WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO HIT ON THE BARISTA’ ENERGY

LIKE THIS ONE

(about Monday’s BMW Isetta)